I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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