i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
