i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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