i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
