Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
