Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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