I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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