I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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