I want to make a zoo with you.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
