my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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