We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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