I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
