you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I just googled if crying burns calories
I just found a bag of teeth...
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
