matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
