I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
