Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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