We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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