My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
