That's when you crack a 10am beer
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
My breasts were aching with rage.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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