Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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