I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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