so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
