If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
