I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
nutella sex= disaster
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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