At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize
