Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
did i just pee glitter
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
