i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
