I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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