You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
