did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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