I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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