if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
