his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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