You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
