My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
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Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
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I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
You left your phone here
Wait...
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