So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
