Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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