Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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