i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
This baby is an asshole
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Randomize
