You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off