Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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