Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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