all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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