This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
