Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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