her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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