i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
