i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
