I just cut my nipple shaving
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
