i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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