The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
