Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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