Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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