and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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