she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
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