I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Randomize
