i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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