You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Randomize
